Do you ever wish you could trade in your story for someone else’s? Maybe one with fewer hardships and more polished moments you could share on Facebook? Many of us have experienced serious adversity – maybe enough adversity to get a Masters or Ph.D. in dealing with crummy circumstances. And yet, we’re often not encouraged to share our more difficult stories with the world.

As we compare ourselves to the perceived perfection we see around us, it can feel tempting to tell the sanitized version of our stories. Mine goes something like this – had breast cancer at the age of 30, felt lost, went on a volunteer trip to Africa, and became inspired to start an organization to help other people reframe the adversity of cancer and redefine what’s possible in their lives.

If you hear this version of the story it seems almost easy.  Like, I went through some adversity and then poof – I had a plan, traveled the world, and created a shiny new life for myself. This highlights reel doesn’t include the mess or moments of grief, loss, and confusion.

Here are a few things I wish I had known when I felt stuck in the trenches of adversity:

1.Grief comes before possibility. We have to be willing to grieve the loss of the life we thought we would have in order to be open to a new version of the story. As I went through my cancer experience, I couldn’t help but look around at the people in my life who had it all together. They were excelling at work, getting married, and having kids. It all seemed so unfair. Why me? Why did I have to get sick and what about my dreams for marriage and motherhood? For a long time, anger and grief had me in a chokehold. Luckily, a phenomenal psychologist helped me see that what you resist persists. I had to give myself permission to grieve the death of one version of my life before I could open myself up to a new path forward.

2. Curiosity instead of pressure. In Elizabeth Gilbert’s Talk – The Flight of the Hummingbird – she apologizes for the years she spent telling people to “find their purpose” and instead, encourages us to follow our curiosity. So, how do we do that? Why not take out a piece of paper and write down the phrase: Wouldn’t it be cool if I could: Then, set the timer for 3 minutes and make a list of everything that comes to mind. Don’t censor yourself. When the timer goes off, check out your list and think about it through the lens of what feels possible – both short term and long term. Pay attention to anything that creates feelings of excitement and joy as these feelings can be a clue that you are on the right track.

3.Practice vulnerability. Long before her TED Talk went viral, Brene Brown’s message on vulnerability opened up a portal for me to see things differently. I have never felt comfortable asking for help, but when I made the decision to go to South Africa, I knew I had to fundraise to make it possible. As I pressed send on my first emails asking for support, my stomach knotted up and I broke into a cold sweat. Admitting this dream felt terrifying. What if people thought I was crazy? Instead, quite the opposite happened. So many people showed up to support me and their love and encouragement made me believe in the possibility of launching the bigger dream of A Fresh Chapter.

4. Embrace contradiction. One of the most important lessons I have ever learned is that we can hold conflicting emotions at the same time. We can feel grateful to be alive and angry about what we have faced. We can feel both excited and terrified about a new path. We can be both broken and beautiful. This ability to live in the space of both highs and lows helps open us up to possibility because no matter what we are dreaming about, it won’t work out perfectly. We will be tested, we will fail, and we will grow and evolve in ways we can’t yet imagine.

5. Find your tribe.  Each of our stories is different and there is no universal 5-step-plan for how to navigate through the darkness of a divorce, cancer recurrence, or death of a loved one. But, surrounding ourselves with people who support us, believe in us, and want to hold space for our struggles and celebrate our successes is vital to the ability to explore new possibilities in our lives

“Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.” St Francis of Assisi