I don’t know about you, but for me, the fear comes out at night. Like a monster that bides its time and only emerges after the lights go out. During the day, it’s relatively easy for me to make a case that it’s “business as usual”. After all, our virtual team has been meeting over zoom for nearly 2 years. Between calls, emails, strategic projects, and trying to find time for an online yoga class or a walk, my working life – when I’m not on the road – hasn’t changed that much since the COVID-19 pandemic led to the current safer at home order. 

But, in the quiet moments, in the dark, my chest feels like that monster has come to sit right above my ribs with its evil plan to squeeze the oxygen from my lungs. My mind refuses to settle and peppers me with more questions than a 3-year-old: 

• When will this be over? 
• What if the landscape of international volunteering is changed forever and we can’t run our programs in Kenya or Peru this fall? 
• What does this mean for the people in our community who are in active treatment? How can we do more to support them? 
• What if the people I love get sick and die and I am powerless to do anything to help them?

In those moments, in the dark, when I’m spinning out, I try to remember to put my hand over my heart (perhaps as an unconscious gesture to tell that monster to back off) and tell myself that I can be simultaneously scared and strong. I can acknowledge my fears and anxieties and still wake up ready to find new possibilities in my life and in my work.

Simultaneously holding two contradictory emotions takes practice and we explore the idea of Living In Contradiction in all of our programs. To give you a bit more context, here is an excerpt from Ignite Experience: 

Many of us have grown up believing that life should be easy and everything should work out. We should be happy. People shouldn’t hurt us. We shouldn’t get sick or face a divorce, death, or any other significant loss in our lives. 

This kind of thinking is part of being human, but finding true resilience and joy means acknowledging and accepting the contradictions in life. It’s ok to love someone and feel frustrated simultaneously. It’s ok to recognize our difficult emotions of anger, sadness, and fear, while also recognizing our resilience and finding moments to lean into joy or gratitude. 

Whatever you are feeling today is absolutely normal. There is room for all of the highs and lows – all of the messiness that goes hand-in-hand with being human. 

But, here’s a thought: if you find yourself feeling like life is not turning out the way you wanted it to, can you practice flipping your current circumstance on its head? 

What do you have right now that other people might wish for? What are you uniquely able to do because of your circumstances? How can you acknowledge the challenges in your life, while also making a choice to inch forward in a positive direction?

The current pandemic brings up contradictory emotions for so many of us as we navigate our fears in the midst of needing to be strong for others. But, what if you could give yourself permission to feel both the good and bad emotions at the same time and trust that you are doing the best you can? It’s ok to also feel simultaneously overwhelmed by trying to homeschool your kids while working and grateful that you and your family are healthy. It’s ok to feel lonely and grateful that you don’t have to juggle the needs of others. It’s ok to feel scared about your financial situation and grateful that you still have a job, or stressed because you have lost your job and grateful that you still have your health. 

It also helps to know that we’re not alone in navigating the complicated contradictions of life. We’re hosting an interactive conversation about Living in Contradiction during this month’s AFC Live. We hope to see you on Wednesday, April 29th at 5 PM PT/ 8 PM ET. Sign up here to join us.