LaCrusa was diagnosed with stage 4 Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in 2005. After months of chemotherapy, followed by weeks of radiation, she has been in remission for 14 years. She was also a caregiver to her late aunt throughout her battle with lung cancer. LaCrusa is a January 2020 Ignite Experience alum and now volunteers with the AFC Impact Team. The Ignite Experience is a free, 10-week virtual program that helps participants find connection, growth, and belonging. You can explore more about the program here. This post is the first in a series written by alumni of the first Ignite Experience, who wanted to share their personal stories as they explored concepts of the program. To read the second post, click here, to read the third post, click here.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, it was still a taboo subject with low survival rates and a high degree of shame surrounding a diagnosis. The unease, the pain, and the vulnerability were all too much for others to handle. Cancer was just not a conversation that anyone wanted to have. So, I hid my experience and over the years to come, I didn’t speak about my history, even with friends. 

One day, consumed with fear about the unknown circumstances of my future, I reached out to a close friend for reassurance, but instead, I was met with unexpected anger. She furiously declared how selfish I was for bothering her while she was coming down with a cold. I felt like an inconvenience to those around me.

I carried this shame with me for over a decade and hid my cancer story from the world. I didn’t want to scare off new friends by sharing the fears and uncertainties I will have to live with forever. So I disguised myself to fit in. Initially, I kept up this facade by going out with friends and dating like a normal 20-something year old and only allowed my weaknesses to present in the safety of my home. But, a few years ago, my health stability came crashing down around me and I could no longer pretend I was okay. This came as a shock to my friends because I had seemed fine since completing my treatments. 

When I finally admitted that I had been hiding how I actually felt, many of the people in my life didn’t respond with the compassion and understanding I had hoped for. Some felt betrayed by my lack of transparency and they felt they could no longer trust me. Others suggested I was exaggerating my circumstances for attention, or perhaps I was severely depressed. As my already small circle of friends dwindled, I felt rejected and abandoned. The many years I had spent altering who I was to earn acceptance had not paid off. I realized I was living a life filled with contradictions. My goal was to find a sense of belonging, but I wasn’t being genuine about how I was feeling or the support I needed.

It wasn’t easy to change. I had to invest in really getting to know myself, what I liked and didn’t like, how I felt, and where those feelings might be coming from. I believe finding ourselves is a lifelong process, and when circumstances or perspectives change, the work starts all over again. Accepting my strengths and limitations gave me the courage to reveal who I really am. I began to open myself up to try to form the deeper bonds with friends that I had desired for so long. Some understandably ran away, with lightning-fast speed. But to my surprise, others began to show their souls to me in return and our friendship became much more intimate. Even more astonishing, I began connecting with new people, those which the hidden me would never have been able to relate with. 

This inspired me to shed my mask and find value in what I can offer the world. I’m finding authentic connections that enrich my life and encourage me to step more fully into myself. I still contend with my inner critic often, especially on days where I struggle with low self-esteem and that voice inside tries to convince me that I should go back into hiding to protect myself. But, I’ve learned that the only way to create fulfilling relationships is to first appreciate who I am at my core. I’ve recognized that I possess the strength to maintain my resilience during hardships, and an ability to empathize with others that are struggling. But I’ve also acknowledged my imperfections as a space to grow, and by continuing to build my self-confidence and support system, I will finally be able to embrace who I truly am.

If you have been impacted by cancer and you want to connect with others who can relate to what you’ve been through while gaining the tools, support, and community to face whatever comes next, apply for A Fresh Chapter’s Ignite Experience today. Learn more here.