What I Know For Sure….(thanks for the phrase Oprah!)
|
Terri Wingham is the founder and CEO of A Fresh Chapter, a cancer survivor, and someone who believes that we are not defined by the most difficult aspects of our story. |
Have you ever been half way through your second box of Kleenex after the break-up to end all break-ups when a well meaning friend tells you to snap out of it? She prattles about how you shouldn’t give him the satisfaction of your tears and you better pick yourself up, put a smile on your face and be glad you didn’t waste any more of your time with that sad excuse of a man.
Even if she has a point (about the guy), every part of you wants to crack your fist against her skull while you scream, “Just…LET ME BE SAD!”
This past weekend, I received a couple of well-intentioned messages from friends who read my “Hello Rock..Ahh…Hard Place…Here You Are Again” post and cautioned me against letting fear and anger into my life. They exclaimed that I need to stay positive if I want to stay healthy. One even went so far as to say that I knew better.
The thing is, I do know better. What I know for sure (thanks Oprah for letting me borrow your line) is that suppressed emotions lead to anxiety, depression, and all kinds of other unsavoury things (yes, I am speaking from personal experience).
Prior to my diagnosis, if someone had given an award for working like a maniac through times of emotional turmoil or just keeping too busy to feel anything, I would have won it. My cancer journey (I hate that expression, but can’t think of a better one) has taught me that sometimes feeling pissed off is the only appropriate reaction.
After many (and I mean many) sessions with my psychologist, she finally cracked through my stubborn skull and helped me understand that the only way to get past the unpleasant emotions building like a freight train in my chest, was to dive in and ride them out. That anger, fear, and sadness are natural emotions and once we ‘feel the hell out of them’, they usually dissipate. And as much as it initially pained me to admit it…she’s right…
After steaming about my appointment all night Thursday and halfway into Friday, the rage finally lifted. Then, a few amazing yoga classes and some time to write helped me to remember all of the things that I love about my life.
Yes, it sucks that the risk of cancer will continue to hide in the shadows of my life. Yes, I am still afraid. But, I believe a tiny bit of fear is ok. Especially if this fear propels me to keep planning amazing adventures and living in each moment.
Speaking of moments, I can’t wait to share with you one of the most inspiring moments of my trip, so stay tuned for my post about Victoria Falls later this week. I will leave you today with a few quotes that help me push through some of the scarier days…
Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid. ~Franklin P. Jones
When we are afraid we ought not to occupy ourselves with endeavoring to prove that there is no danger, but in strengthening ourselves to go on in spite of the danger. ~Mark Rutherford
One’s suffering disappears when one lets oneself go, when one yields – even to sadness. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Southern Mail, 1929, translated from French by Curtis Cate
The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy. ~Jim Rohn
Here’s a video with words written by Michael Jackson about the courage it takes to be vulnerable and to really show your emotions. Courage – From Dancing The Dream by Michael Jackson
Comments (12)
Hi Terri,
I couldn’t agree more. We live in a society that does not teach us to process our emotions – especially the so-called ‘negative’ ones. And even calling an emotion ‘negative’ suggests that it is wrong, when really it is simply an emotion – a thought with a feeling attached.
An unpleasant emotion or feeling is a signal to explore and process. Sometimes we can process simply by ALLOWING the feeling. As you say, it is FIGHTING the feeling that causes us dis-ease (as in discomfort), not the feeling itself…
I do worry that a lot of self-help, spiritual and personal development books, films etc encourage the myth that ‘positive’ thinking is the way to lead a happy life. But positive thinking layered over difficult feelings only causes our wounds to LOOK healed but fester underneath. Better to have a little festering and an ugly wound for a while that then heals properly, from the inside out.
Anger, fear, sadness, grief, jealousy – all these are simply feelings. And they pass. The issue is if we wallow in them. (Allow the feelings, not wallow!)
Also, when others try to dissuade us from how we feel – it is usually because they are uncomfortable with those feelings in themselves. As I said, processing our emotions is not something we’re taught to do.
I think by explaining yourself in this post you have done a great service to everyone… Including your friends who would rather you were thinking positively and were kindly concerned enough to speak out.
Keep up all your good work Terri! And if you need to talk to anyone about large ovarian cysts – give me a shout… Emma-Louise x
Terri,
I’m here, waiting with you…. The waiting is hard enough, but it’s the not being able to think about anything else that makes it even worse. No place to run to in our head… except… hypnosis. Have you tried hypnosis with a certified hypnotherapist? It’s powerful stuff. You might consider it.
Brenda
Brenda,
I haven’t tried hypnosis yet, but I am open to all kinds of things these days. I just finished reading a book by Brandon Bays called “The Healing Journey” which I found helpful and now that I’m back in Vancouver, I am trying to go to yoga 5 times a week. What an amazing difference yoga makes both physically and emotionally!
In all honesty though, blogging about the anger and just being plain angry for 48 hours really helped as I am feeling a lot lighter and more able to handle whatever might come.
I really appreciate your response and I KNOW you know how hard all of it can be. I am always here for you too!
Terri
I don’t have a great yoga class nearby, but your comments have prompted me to get my Seane Corn DVD and my mat out. Thanks.
My pleasure – let me know if it helps. Wish you could come to one of my classes in Vancouver. There are a couple of amazing teachers that really have made a difference in my daily life! T xo
It is our heads that say “stay positive” and “get over it” but it is our hearts that feel. Myers-Briggs talks about “Thinkers” and “Feelers” and you are definitely a “feeler”. I am sure that “Thinkers” do not understand you as well as “Feelers” do.
It is through our feelings that we really experience life. Lead with your heart and you will go in the direction you are meant to.
As Emma-Louise says – allow the feelings but don’t wallow. Life is too precious to spend too long in any given emotional space but it is important to fully experience each emotion so that you can move on to new territory.
There is no time limit placed on us when we live our joys, why should there be one when we are living our sorrows, grief or anger!?
Thank you!
I really appreciate your comment and I love your last line. “There is no time limit place on when we live our joys, why should there be one when we are living our sorrows, grief, or anger”. Very insightful and perfectly written. I couldn’t agree more with you and EL. It’s not about wallowing. I feel a million times better now because I released all of that anger.
“That anger, fear, and sadness are natural emotions and once we ‘feel the hell out of them’, they usually dissipate. And as much as it initially pained me to admit it…she’s right…”
So true, and so on cue with what I am experiencing in my own life. Trying so hard not to let the cracks show. This takes energy and I don’t have a lot of spare energy. But then the idea of allowing the cracks to be, the idea of allowing the feelings to flow, scares the heck out of me.
Being positive is good and healthy, as long as we aren’t working so hard at being and staying positive that we make ourselves sick and/or crazy. As with everything else, its about balance.
Thank you for this post Terri.
Shelley,
Thank you so much for sharing. I agree – allowing the cracks to be and letting the feels flow can be scary and overwhelming at first. But people keep telling me that vulnerability makes us loveable and that it is our imperfections and not our perfections(??) that connect us to the people around us (which is why I find it funny that we all try so hard to be perfect). I wish I had more things to say that would help, but know that I am with you and I applaud your honesty!
Terri
Oh Terri – I very much agree. We know it is not healthy to be angry, but it is probably even less healthy to try and suppress what is a natural emotion and process that we have to work through.
I had just returned to work a year ago after the long absence during treatment, and went down with shingles only 2 weeks later. I was FURIOUS! I remember writing in my diary to vent that anger. Now looking back in the notebook, I see the letters in capitals, the impression of the pen through several pages and can still feel the strength of emotion from the physical presence of the words. Of course it wore off as I recovered and like you was able to pick up activities which make me feel good (for me it is swimming) and move on.
I guess the challenge is getting a balance and not letting it take over. But that is the beauty of the blog. It is such a good way of processing that very anger and fear. I often feel much better once I have blogged about something which is troubling me!
So keep blogging and sharing, and making your dreams come true! xxx
Thanks Phillipa!
I can only imagine your fury and I’m so glad you have swimming as an outlet. I couldn’t agree more about blogging. As much as I was scared to start a blog and be vulnerable with my emotions, it has really helped me to process my emotions and connect with so many amazing people, like you!
Have a great week.
Terri
Terri,
I am a huge believer in feeling all of your emotions. All of them. That’s one thing about the ‘pink cancer world’ that really bothers me. There is this certain way ‘to do’ cancer that is so often portrayed. Love the quotes, especially the one about the walls keeping out joy too. Thanks for the post.