AFC Live Series: Once a month, our team facilitates a video chat to explore themes intended to create positive change in our lives. For those who are new to A Fresh Chapter (AFC) or exploring whether an AFC program might be a good fit for you, AFC Live is a great way to find out what we’re all about. For AFC alumni and others already familiar with AFC programming, AFC Live is a great way to reconnect with your Tribe and to take your personal growth to the next level. This month, join us to Explore Possibilities during our May AFC Live chat on Wednesday, May 27th at 5 PM PT/ 8 PM ET. All are welcome. If you’re able to join, sign up here to join our AFC Live Tribe and you’ll receive emails each month with information to participate.

Exploring Possibilities: Finding A New Way Forward

When one door closes, another opens. 

I always hated that cliche. I preferred believing I could jimmy the lock or force the door open somehow. Whether it was a relationship I didn’t want to end, a huge cut in my pay due to the financial crisis of 2008, or a string of setbacks preventing my dream of becoming a mother, I didn’t care much for finding alternate doors. I figured if I could wait long enough or knock hard enough, I could get the door I wanted to open. 

Cancer brought me face-to-face with the realization that I couldn’t control everything. I couldn’t un-hear the words of my diagnosis, make my hair not fall out, or get my breasts back. I had to rethink what came next and see possibilities from a different perspective. 

Now, this pandemic, like a cancer diagnosis, is forcing so many of us to deal with the shock of doors closing. Whether it’s the loss of a job you love, the cancellation of graduation celebrations, the indefinite postponement of a trip, or the stress of paying for rent, the world we thought we knew is gone, and cliches about new doors opening can feel almost cruel. So, how do we find ways to move forward even in the midst of this challenging time? 

Even though I haven’t found any magic answers for dealing with unforeseen or unfortunate circumstances, here are a few of the steps that have helped me move through difficult times: 

• Feel It. Until my psychologist helped me see that the only way to the other side of difficult emotions was through them, I kept myself too busy to acknowledge the weight of anxiety perched on my chest like a heavy necklace. Now, when things fall apart, instead of ignoring my feelings, I encourage myself to acknowledge them. Even though this practice doesn’t come naturally to me, I find a quiet spot to “be a baby about it.” For me, this sometimes means sobbing and railing against the universe with accusations like, “why me?”, “it’s not fair”, and “f-this. I’m out.” 
• Worst-Case Scenario It. At some point, the tears stop and the bargaining begins. I think about all of the possible worst-case scenarios I am facing and how I would cope with each of them. I construct mental contingency plans that prove to myself that I’m resourceful and give me a sense of comfort in knowing that I have gotten through difficult things before and I can create a plan to get through this too. 
• Spin It. Over the few days following a difficult situation, after the heaviness of crying and bargaining, I navigate my way back to a question that has become my go-to during life’s more challenging setbacks: “what is possible for me now?” This question helps me shift my focus from all the things that are not possible, and opens me up to considering something I might not have thought about before. 
• Iterate It. Once I come up with new possibilities to get me out of feeling stuck, I try them on for size. I talk to a friend, I write about them, I see how it feels to say things out loud. I see which things start to feel “right” and which things don’t. 
• Try It Out. Then, I choose one potential path and ask myself what is the next step I could take to move closer to this new possibility? I try not to get caught up in the seemingly endless steps that would ultimately have to happen, and instead, think only about the first step. I remind myself that I’m free to change my mind at any time, but with each small action, I can feel less like the victim of my circumstances and more like the creator of my future. 

As I inch towards a new possibility in my life, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the uncertainty I’m feeling. There are times when I long to go back to a past that doesn’t exist anymore, and ask myself if it’s all worth it. But then I remember the words of one of my mentors: 

“Uncertainty and possibility are two sides of the same coin.” 

Something about this quote challenges me to believe that no matter what happens, it’s always possible to find a new way forward. 

We’re hosting an interactive conversation about Exploring Possibilities during this month’s AFC Live. We hope to see you on Wednesday, May 27th at 5 PM PT/ 8 PM ET. Sign up here to join us.