My New Friend Uncertainty
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Terri Wingham is the founder and CEO of A Fresh Chapter, a cancer survivor, and someone who believes that we are not defined by the most difficult aspects of our story. |
As I sit here writing, my eyes water, my throat screams for a lozenge, and my head feels like it has done time on the asphalt underneath the back and forth of an aggressive steamroller. My symptoms clearly point to a common cold, which thankfully keeps my overactive imagination at bay. Unfortunately, cancer has turned back the clock and reacquainted me with my estranged friend, Hypochondria. (I actually went to the doctor this week in case ovarian cancer and not bad Thai Food had instigated my stomach cramps).
Luckily, a recent phone call distracted me from both my symptoms and my potential need for a hypochondria intervention. As I hung up, I thought about the concept of uncertainty (once a dirty word in my vocabulary).
From a young age, I ruled my thoughts and actions with the tyranny of a dictator. My mandate of strict adherence to a categorized, rolling five-year plan lulled me into feeling safe. Every time life threw an obstacle in my path, I slid out my list of Plan B options and blazed immediately in a new direction.
On October 27, 2009, my tight grip on the illusion of control finally splintered. I put down my hi-lighters and color-coordinated lists and finally invited Uncertainty in for a glass of wine. She shot me an apologetic smile and folded me into a hug. Even though I had repeatedly rebuffed her advances of friendship, she still hated that she had to bring cancer along in order to get my attention.
I now feel a surprising kinship with her as I begrudgingly admit that her lessons have helped me to relax into the present moment. Take, for example, my recent call from the receptionist at Dr. L’s office. She broke the news as gently as she could that I would not get my new breasts for Christmas. It turns out that a woman who still has cancer needs my mid-December surgery slot. So I am stuck with my tissue expanders and my inability to make plans for 2011. When I asked for a new surgery date, she vaguely mentioned either January or March and promised to keep me posted. But even if she could give me a date, she can’t tell me how long my recovery will take or what life has lined up for me after that.
For once, the ambiguity doesn’t make my heart race. I don’t need to cross check this new information with my five-year plan because I left my dog-eared copy back in 2009. So instead of obsessing, I’m going to watch the fearful thoughts drift by and then snuggle up on the couch with my fleece blanket. Today is the perfect rainy day to indulge in an afternoon of TV until the fire in my throat dissipates and I can breathe through my nose again.
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Comments (10)
Hello again Terri. We have not met in person but I remember your professionalism from our only cyber-contact. You are a brave woman. I wish you well. m2c2.
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment! I appreciate the support. Take care, Terri
Hi Terri,
You helped me through a difficult time in my career almost 3 years ago, and I’ll never forget the last time we met. It was about a year ago, you met me to help me figure out what to do with my professional life all the while your world was spinning out of control. You’re an amazingly selfless person and a real professional. Thank you for sharing your story here.
Janice
Janice – Thank you so much. It was my pleasure connecting with you both times and I hope that things are going well in your life. I look forward to keeping in touch. Terri
Hi Terri,
That was quite a shock to learn about your health. We’ve only met a few times in Vancouver a few years ago but I still remember that. I’ve read a lot of your entries and am struck by the frankness and s clarity you are able to portray on such a personal subject.
I wish you all the best and strength in your journey. I’m looking forward keeping in touch.
Cheers,
Erik
Erik,
Thank you so much for your feedback. How are you? Are you still commuting from Nanaimo? I hope life is treating you well.
Cheers,
Terri
Hi Terri,
I love this post. It rings very true for me as well. I have always been a control freak with a plan.
I have been seriously working on it for the last 6 years I have been a lifecoach. But not enough…
This year I had major surgery – removal of large ovarian cyst (I also panicked I had ovarian cancer a few years back!), 2 bowel resections (and one resection they did not do so I did not wake up with a surprise albeit temporary colostomy bag), unblocking my ureter (water was backed up in my kidneys which can lead to kidney failure) and lots of unsticking of organs from each other, including pulling my remaining ovary out from my “sac of douglas”. This does not include the last 5 years of gradually worsening pain which (for the last 2 years or so) leaves me doubled up on the sofa on a monthly basis waiting for the T3s to kick in.
I have severe endometriosis not cancer. There is no known cure – and they do not know what causes it.
Endo is obviously not cancer – and I think what you have gone through is a LOT scarier and more challenging.
But I think there are common themes here – for women.
Not trusting ourselves and not listening to ourselves. Not allowing uncertainty – trying to control everything so that we feel good about ourselves. Workaholism…
If we do not listen to our bodies (and our souls) – they find a way to make us listen. I think this is (among other things) what you are saying?
Em,
Em,
I am not sure if I have ever replied properly to this post because I was in the middle of switching to my new website and I think a few things got lost in the shuffle!
Do you think we ever cure ourselves of our inner control freak? Mine has started to creep back in as I contemplate life after my final surgery. Now that I have a date of Jan 24th, I am starting to mildly freak out about what life after that looks like. My natural tendency is to try to find something to control in order to protect myself from the fear. Ahhh…the endless cycle.
I am so sorry to hear about your health issues. I can’t imagine how stressful all of that would be and the worst part is that you are dealing with pain on an ongoing basis. Do you find that there is any way to manage it? Does stress make it worse?
Our bodies do find a way to make us listen. Someone told me that cancer was the universe’s way of hitting me over the head with a cosmic 2×4 so that I could wake up and see how the stresses in my life were not serving me. I have to admit that I agree. Now, I just need to figure out how to move forward without running into another 2×4!
I would love to hear more about how you redefined your life. Maybe we can set up a chat sometime when you’re not to busy.
If I don’t connect with you before the holidays, have a very Merry Christmas!
Terri
I love this post! I am an trying to be an ex-BIG planner… the reason I say EX …. is because I think I am FINALLY learning that “the Universe always has a bigger plan for you than you can ever plan for yourself”.
I heard it for the first time 11 years ago at Oprah’s first “Live Your Best Life Event” (when I scored $27 row 11 (or maybe it was row 12) tickets…now that was the Universe giving me a big high five).
Yet, although I heard it 11 years ago, I think it has taken me that long to really GET IT. I am on a path to try to master letting go of the need to plan and the need to control…
Everything happens for a reason…The Universe takes care of that part… We do our part by taking action when we are inspired and drawn towards things that we love.
May you enjoy your Christmas… not recovering from surgery… but instead with the laughter of family/friends, good food, and know that the Universe has your back (every single time)! 🙂
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