Have you ever found yourself hovering over the toilet, your calf muscles vibrating? Not because you are in dirty public bathroom and you think the flimsy toilet seat covers are a joke, but because you can’t possibly take the time to sit down and have a proper pee.

Instead of relaxing for two minutes on the clean (we hope) throne in your bathroom and browsing through a magazine, you do a mental sweep of all of the things you need to get done, within the next five minutes, and what a hassle it is to take a break to pee.

There is the email you need to write to your friend who has just gone through a nasty break-up, a presentation to prepare for to prove you are the perfect employee, dogs to walk, kids to feed, marathons to train for, yoga postures to master, french pronouns to perfect, diapers to change, blogs to follow, trips to plan, books to write…I could go on, but I think you get the picture.

This morning, in the middle of re-prioritizing my gigantic to-do list, I see her. She’s watching me hover, like a dog over a patch of grass. Every time I think I have evolved into a more zen-like, live in the moment kind of girl, Gertrude resurfaces. She rips the duct tape from her mouth, puts one hand on her jutted out hip, and takes a drag from the cigarette lodged between her yellowed teeth while her steely grey eyes give me an unimpressed once-over. (more…)