The Person I Swore I’d Never Go Back To…
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Terri Wingham is the founder and CEO of A Fresh Chapter, a cancer survivor, and someone who believes that we are not defined by the most difficult aspects of our story. |
Intense. Always with something to prove. Obsessed with not disappointing anyone. Late at night, her high heels would click across a darkened office parking lot to the lone car sitting under the street lamp. Exhausted, she would flip through radio stations, shift between lanes, and convince herself she wasn’t working THAT hard. She could rest on the weekend. But, if she was honest, she’d admit to a side of endless work emails to accompany her Saturday morning latte.
In October 2009, cancer arrived and with it came the end of her (or at least my pre-cancer identity). No more late nights at the office. No more late nights anywhere. Instead, purposeless and weak, I spent hours channel surfing and magazine flipping while chemo drugs coursed through my veins. Cancer was the wake-up call to take better care of myself. I would never let stress jeopardize my health again. I would never get so caught up in people pleasing and taking care of others that I forgot to take care of myself.
Maybe you can already see where this is going…
Unfortunately, lessons are not light switches and grand epiphanies don’t come with partial lobotomies. It doesn’t take much to slip and slide back into the “bad habits” of our past. To create brand new versions of our old realities.
As the clock wound down on 2013, I knew something had to change. My life is filled with incredible purpose and I feel so blessed by the work I do, but the stress of living without a salary or a home had begun to affect my health. Even though I’m so passionate about supporting patients and survivors, I had to look hard in the mirror and realize that somewhere along the way I had stopped supporting myself. I had failed to put on my own oxygen mask and I realized that’s not inspiring. It’s crazy.
So when I got thinking of my three words for 2014, I knew one of them had to be EASE. Not easy. But ease. Making choices based on what will bring greater peace and calm rather than the unnecessary turmoil created by the “should” monster. Choices like:
- Unplugging fully one day/week. I’m going technology-free on Sundays (yikes).
- Kicking my iPhone out of bed and relegating it the far side of the room, or even the couch so I can go to sleep in peace and wake up without the temptation to scroll through my inbox or twitter feed before I’m even vertical.
- Leaning into a meditation practice – even if I can only make it through 2 minutes a day.
- Saying no. Realizing I can’t do everything right now and in order to build a sustainable foundation, I need to be strategic with my time.
There is no instant fix and I can’t snap my fingers and have a home and a salary again this second, but I know that even these little changes will help me put on my oxygen mask first. By doing that, I’ll stay clear-headed and healthy enough to keep dreaming audaciously.
Now I’d love to hear from you. One of the things I have loved about the Fresh Chapter Community is hearing your comments. You’re the reason I share the highs and lows of dreaming audaciously so publicly. I’d love you to join the conversation.
Do you need more ease in your life? If you’ve found it, what’s your secret? How do you catch yourself when you’ve lost it?
Comments (32)
Yes, I can relate! I’m very fortunate to get paid to advocate for patients & take care of people (as a physical therapist) and yet I have really been forced to respect the fatigue that has followed me since my diagnosis and adjust my priorities — and work hours! — so I can take better care of myself. Saying no is a big one. I’ve always been a yes person. But I remind myself that saying no to one thing means I can say yes to something else down the line. As we all have to learn, over and over, you can’t take care of anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself first. For me, that means taking back my home, so it looks like a person lives here, not a recovering patient. Getting more rest, making my spaces tidy and comfortable so I can do things more efficiently and make more art again. Slowing down to I have the energy to speed up when I need to. All of those things will help me keep some balance. It’s a constant endeavor to find that balance. I’ve also learned that even the small things I manage to do for others matter. They don’t have to be big or grand things. Some of the things others have done for me that I remember most fondly have been small things. It’s good to remember that. Take good care of yourself in 2014, Terry. xoxo, Kathi
Kathi – I love this. Thank you so much for sharing. Saying no to one thing means I can say yes to something else down the line. That is exactly what I needed to hear today. Great to hear from you and take good care of yourself in 2014 too! Terri
Love love love the word EASE. I can entirely relate, my dear, as you can imagine. With it I think is also a phrase I like to say to myself often “Go Easy”…mainly on myself. To let go of the self-perpetuating, ugly cycle of telling yourself that it must be done (whatever IT is). Does it really have to get done…today? tonight? will the world end if you say no to that today? I hope 2014 is everything you want it to be and hope that it arrives with ease 🙂
Erin – I LOVE this comment and your phrase “Go Easy”. I’m going to use that for sure. “Will the world end if you say no to that today?” Spot on my friend! I hope 2014 is an absolutely wonderful year for you and I look forward to a nice long catch up sometime soon (preferably over wine). Hugs! Terri
For the first time in years, I want more craziness in my life. My pain slowed me down to much, I miss running around with my hair on fire.
I love it Alan! Here’s to craziness and fun for you in 2014!
Terri, I *totally* get what you’re talking about. As we gain more and more of our energy back post-treatment (and it takes an awfully long time, like in years not months), it’s really hard NOT to cram more stuff into our day — even good, new, healthy, fun stuff! The one thing that helps keep me from getting too crazy is taking a nap every day. Even if it’s just kicking back after lunch and closing my eyes for 10 minutes, it helps to keep me from rushing right into whatever the next “must-do” thing is. It’s a tiny way to take care of myself, but it really helps.
I don’t think I respected getting enough rest and sleep before cancer as I do now.
xoxo
Renn – Great to hear from you. What a great idea, I need to start making 1pm calls and shift them to 1:30pm. Im sure a nap would do a world of good! Thanks for sharing! Chat with you soon! Terri
The more I learn about you, the more I realize how we may be one another’s lesson. As a new cancer survivor who’s walking a path of uncertainty mixed with anticipation, I share many similar concerns of falling back into old patterns versus leaning into new practices to embrace moments of stress, loss and change. I too am living in the “in-between” time; still “un-doing” while remaining open to opportunities. It’s not an ease-y place to be at times; however, I trust it is right where I need to be for now. At the same time, questions like “How long will this last?” “What’s next?” “Where will I land?” and the “should’s” create stress, so I try to stay in the present and trust that things are happening as they are suppose to. I get outside EVERY day regardless of the weather. I feed my body with good food, starting my day with a green juice. I watercolor listening to music. I embrace silence. And I seek the support from vulnerable people like you. 🙂
Lorri – Thank you so much for your comment! I’m so grateful to have you as part of this tribe and can’t wait to trade stories in India. You’re right – it is not ease-y to be in a place of uncertainty, but taking time to be in nature and embracing silence makes a big difference. Thanks for sharing! ~Terri
Oh, this is so fantastic Terri! How easy it is to slip back into that person we have tried to leave behind.
Thanks so much Marie:)
I love this post! I totally relate to everything you are saying. I am struck by how overwhelmed I am. Ease is a great word that I also need to focus on. I am determined to help others , but I have to remember to take care of myself. What you are doing is so fantastic so please do it with ease. I also am determined to make time so we can meet in person when we are in the same place. xoxo – Susan
Susan- Great to hear from you and I can truly relate to how you’re feeling too! I’d love to connect. I’m hoping to spend the month of April in LA, so that should give us plenty of opportunity to meet up and trade stories! Happy New Year to you!!!
Terri, this post is terrific and a reminder that we do need to take care of ourselves first. Like you, prior to cancer, I was overworked and convinced myself that the work had to get done. With a cancer diagnosis and treatment, I also scaled back and learned the word “No.” I learned to set boundaries.
Good for you for recalibrating your priorities. You have to take care of yourself before you can accomplish all the wonderful things to accomplish. And I’m glad you chose “ease” as your word.
Hang in there. Please take one day at a time, and do something nice for yourself every day.
Beth – Always so great to hear from you. Thank you for reading, commenting, and sharing on Twitter. Do something nice for yourself every day. I like it. This morning I’m going to take a break and go for a walk in the snow at my parents before diving back in. That feels like ease to me. Thank you! ~Terri
I wish I could show you this excel spreadsheet I was just working on. It’s the week broken into the obligations, the projects and the BUS time. There are two days in the planner where I don’t have any work planned. It’s for chores (good physical-world stuff), staring out the window, and just getting a break.
So, I get what you are saying! Here’s to making time for what we need and to chasing those ambitions. ~Catherine
Catherine – Thanks for your comment! I like that a lot – staring out the window time. I need to actually schedule that in:) Here’s to chasing dreams and finding balance:) Terri
[…] continuing with the theme of perfectionism is Terri’s latest post on easing up on […]
Hi Terri,
Yes, I certainly could use some more ‘ease’ in my life. I’m pretty sure most of us could. I think after a cancer diagnosis, there’s pressure to find some meaning in it and get out there and do things, or at least do something… and you certainly have done that and a whole lot more. The trouble is, sometimes in all this flurry of ‘doing’, we lose site of taking care of ourselves properly. Anyway, it’s so important to do that. I love your idea to unplug for one WHOLE day per week! And the phone thing – boy, I need to do that! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and find myself checking my phone for messages and such. Ridiculous really! I think I’ll try your meditation idea and maybe even a rest time for a few minutes each day as Renn suggested. Thanks for the terrific post. May you find more ‘ease’ in 2914.
Nancy – Great to hear from you! I absolutely recommend unplugging one day/week. I’m only 2 weeks in, but I am LOVING it. The meditation is harder to fit in, but I’m reminding myself that I can start with 2 minutes. Here is to more ease for both of us in 2014!
Terri, we are kindred spirits! I really relate to this (as you know). I’m not sure if I’ve fully embraced ease, but I’ve schedule in some time to take care of myself. It’s a little sad that I have to schedule it, but it really helps me carve out that time and make it a priority… exercise, especially. I find that having that time for myself makes me much more productive and happy when I’m busy with work.
Molly – so great to hear from you! We are kindred spirits and I’m so happy to hear that you’re finding time to take care of yourself! Looking forward to our next opportunity to catch up! Terri
Oooh, I can so relate to this, Terri! I also swore I’d never go back to the stressed-out-putting-too-much-on-my-plate, but found myself exactly there! I thought – having been ill and having experienced what’s important and what’s not – that I’d automatically be able to get my priorities straight. But of course, I found out that having been ill in itself is not the ticket to “in sync” and grounded. It takes saying no and making different choices – day after day.
Thanks for sharing – good to hear that side of the story! So often we only hear the “I was ill and that changed my life” as if the change happens in the blink of an eye, like a switch that’s been flipped. That definitely wasn’t the case for me either!
Big hug!
An
An – so great to hear from you. Thanks for sharing! BIg hug back at you! Terri
Terri,
Today was a perfect day for me to discover your website and learn about you. I too am in the midst of a “fresh chapter.” Five years ago, I co-founded a company, Cancer Be Glammed to help women have a better recovery experience and to empower them to maintain their identity and self esteem following surgery and treatment. I had been frustrated by the challenges I faced during my own recovery from breast cancer. Starting with a small savings, left for me by my mother who passed away from lung cancer, I joined forces with a dear friend of mine, Ellen Weiss Kander, and together in 2010, we launched our website http://www.CancerBeGlammed.com.
Two years ago, Ellen was diagnosed with liver cancer and passed away. I was devastated. I was tempted to close Cancer Be Glammed–it felt and often still feels so hard to continue on without her. But when I think of the grit and courage it takes for people to face cancer each day– it gives me the strength and determination to carry on. I love your concept of a fresh start–a fresh chapter. And today, amidst the struggles of a stressed out, solo small business women and mother –reading your blog about -ease-really resonated with me. I want to stay well for this chapter and the next to come.
Thank you for putting life in perspective again!
Lisa Lurie
Lisa – Thank you so much for your comment. It’s wonderful to meet you and to read a bit more about what you’re working on! It sounds like it’s been quite a ride. Wishing you ease and light in 2014! Terri
[…] you read my last post, The Person I Swore I’d Never Go Back To, you know I am choosing more EASE in my life in 2014. Right about the time I had a big ‘ol […]
Terri, I too have gone back to my old ways! Notice, I am just reading this post almost a month after you wrote it! 🙂 One of my 3 words for 2014 was frugal with the intent that I not only make more conscious choices with money this year, but also with time. It’s not limitless! Best of luck on your being able to find that which sustains and fulfills you this year! JoAnn
JoAnn – So great to hear from you! Love the idea of being frugal with time. Best of luck to you too:) Terri
Hi Terri! Just found your blog through another BC blogger’s site and am so happy I did. Not only is my name Terri, like you, but I also hail from Vancouver and have a passion for travel and changing the world. Plus I can totally relate to the hard driving, people pleasing persona. I was that person too and am trying to reform myself and love myself more today. I absolutely LOVE the idea of your Fresh Chapter journeys and hope to join one at some point. I’ve been going on some international spiritual pilgrimages of my own since i was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer 2 years ago at age 37. I chronicle my journey on my blog: http://www.gracefulwomanwarrior.com. I look forward to reading and hearing more about you and your journey.
Sending hugs, strength and healing to you. – terri
Terri – Wonderful to hear from you and I’m so glad to connect. I look forward to hearing more about your story – when I have time to catch my breath. Take good care of yourself and here’s to audacious dreams and big adventures!