You know that feeling. The sucker punch of loss. Your knees buckle and you clutch your gut as tears – hot and voracious – drip from your chin to collar bone. When you’ve finally cried yourself empty, you slide between cool sheets and wait for the elixir of sleep to rescue you. For a brief interlude, the pain disappears. Then, you wake and the weight of your new reality presses on your every cell. The person you love is gone.

It’s been a couple of years since I felt the punch of a broken relationship, but on September 16, 2014, I found myself sobbing in the dark. It should have been Melissa’s 32nd birthday. She should still be on this planet, paint brush in hand and laughter dancing in her eyes. Instead she’s gone. Stolen from us by an aggressive cancer called Ewing’s Sarcoma.

When I first imagined creating the foundation and envisioned a pilot program in India, I pictured the joy of 12 cancer survivors volunteering with local projects and standing in awe as the sun rose behind the Taj Mahal. I didn’t think about how attached I might get or how it would feel to lose someone who became a friend.

As I lay crying in the dark last week, I thought about how it’s almost time to bring our next group of survivors to India (details and dates coming very soon) and had to ask myself – am I ready for the risk that I might relive this pain?

The answer is yes. Absolutely. Unequivocally. Yes. The risk of sadness is worth it if it means sharing possibility, adventure, and meaning with people who need a way to start fresh.

If I have learned anything on my travels, it is this: struggle and joy are meant to intermingle. Here in North America, we maniacally chase happiness. We avoid thoughts of death and focus on our quest to uncover the “perfect” life.

And, yet…there is no growth without struggle and sadness.

Heartbreak means we’ve allowed ourselves to truly care about another human being. It means we’re alive. My heart was splintered and raw when I said goodbye to a beautiful little boy after my volunteer program in South Africa 3 years ago. I didn’t know how I could leave this little human. In spite of our lack of a shared language and the limited time we spent in a dusty and barren daycare trailer, he healed me from the depression and isolation of cancer in ways I will never be able to put into words. He taught me what unconditional love felt like and reminded me how grateful I was to be alive. The pain of saying goodbye has challenged me to grow in ways that the joy alone never could.

So, if you’re curled up on the floor grieving an unimaginable loss, stay there for awhile longer. Don’t try to sweep the darkness under the rug. Let the sadness have its way with you. Know that you are not alone and that this pain is part of the journey. Perhaps it’s unlocking the door to possibilities you can’t even imagine yet?

“How should we be able to forget those ancient myths that are at the beginning of all peoples, the myths about dragons that at the last moment turn into princesses; perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us.

So you must not be frightened if a sadness rises up before you larger than any you have ever seen; if a restiveness, like light and cloudshadows, passes over your hands and over all you do. You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any miseries, or any depressions? For after all, you do not know what work these conditions are doing inside you.”  ~Rainer Rilke

How has sadness or struggle helped you grow? As always I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.

For Patients & Survivors

If you are a cancer patient or survivor who is looking for a meaningful way to start fresh, please sign up for our tribe here. You will be the first to know about our upcoming programs. Stay tuned as we prepare to announce our 2015 International Programs in India and Africa. Applications will open soon (and only be open for a short time), so we don’t want you to miss the opportunity of a lifetime. 

For Champions & Ambassadors

If you are looking for more meaning and purpose in your life – even if you haven’t had cancer – we are looking for you. Our tribe of champions and ambassadors is growing and we would love you to join us in impacting the foundation and the world. Contact us here and tell us a bit about yourself and why and how you want to get involved. 

For Donors & Sponsors

Audacious and hopeful, Fresh Chapter Alliance Foundation (FCAF) aims to transform grief and pain into purpose and healing. Through proven US and International programs, survivors gain perspective, find community, and rebuild their lives. Please visit the Fresh Chapter Alliance Foundation page to learn more about our work and make a donation.