An angel, my friends had called him. He appeared after my diagnosis. Showed up – as if out of thin air – when nothing made sense. He promised if we could make it through cancer, we could make it through anything.

But, cancer’s emotional marathon proved too tough. The crazy-making chemotherapy drugs. The constant tears in the lead up to my double mastectomy. The inability to empty my post-surgery drains or take a bath without help. The grasping for certainty and the cavernous space created with his gradual retreat. The humiliation of knowing I had become a broken shell of my former self mixed with the uncertainty of what to do about it.

It was a rainy November morning when I heard the words “it’s over” and he walked out the door. My dreams shattered. No big love story. No promises of the family I had wished for since childhood. Instead, I crumpled to the floor of my now silent apartment, pressed my ear against the cold hardwood, and felt a river of tears cascade from my chin and pool between my collarbones.

I don’t know how long I lay there before I wiped my face and slid my resolve into place. How many days I acted fine when inside I was broken. I do know that it was an article on New Year’s Resolutions that sliced through the fog. A suggestion that in 2011, instead of thinking about what I wanted to achieve, I should choose three words to describe how I wanted to feel.

In those dark days, I wanted the opposite of my current reality. I wanted to feel healthy, loved, and inspired.

A Fresh Dream Begins

Those three words gave me something to cling to when nothing else felt stable. When the tears of pity, self-recrimination, and anger threatened to suffocate me. When an envy rose up in me so viscerally that I cancelled plans to avoid spending time with people who had the life I wanted.

Yet, somehow, those words opened a portal to a new way of seeing the world. I found myself asking, what if being single and alone meant that I could go anywhere that inspired me? What if instead of feeling sadness and envy, I could do something so epic that when people saw me they wouldn’t ask about my broken heart or my cancer, they’d ask about my adventures?

Desperate for a chance to replace my broken dreams with a new narrative, I signed up for a volunteer program in Africa. In those six weeks in Cape Town, I crashed into love with a group of mischievous kids, met women my age who had lost entire families to AIDS, and saw more joy on the faces of people who struggled to provide their families with the basic necessities of life than I had felt while earning a six figure salary.

Despite ‘beating’ cancer, this experience felt like the first sense of real accomplishment I’d had in 15 months. I set what felt like an impossible fundraising goal and then – thanks to my wonderful community of family and friends – surpassed it. I boarded a flight to the other side of the world after months of feeling jailed by cancer. I met people who had no pre-conceived notion of who I ‘should’ be and I could set down the burden of acting fine and just be fine. I could finally take care of others and forget – for a while – just how recently I had been the one that needed care.

The Dream Comes Full Circle

A few weeks ago, my plane touched down in Cape Town. As the evening sun lit up the hillside and the city lay at my feet, I remembered the fragile person who had arrived there four years before. Searching for answers. Beat up by life. Tentative about a dream. It was only in that moment that I could see how far I’d come. How – even though I didn’t end up with the life I had dreamed of, I have a life filled with bigger dreams than I ever could have imagined.

Over the last four years of building the Fresh Chapter Alliance Foundation, the people I have met have healed my broken heart and helped me see that family can mean so many things. Motherhood sometimes mean raising a baby you give birth to and motherhood sometimes means raising a dream and creating a sense of belonging for people who need it.

In those moments on my apartment floor, I never could have imagined getting here…but somehow I did.

Apply To Join Us In Cape Town

Click on the image to get all of the details for Cape Town and Apply to Join Us

After three successful programs in India for people impacted by cancer to volunteer and experience meaningful travel, this audacious dream has come full circle. Now, men and women from across North America can apply to join us this November in Cape Town. We’ll volunteer, experience once-in-a-lifetime adventures and have the opportunity to reframe adversity and redefine what’s possible.

Click here for all of the Cape Town program details. Applications are only open until Sunday, May 17, 2015.

Will you help us spread the word so that more people impacted by cancer have the opportunity to step into the next chapter of their stories? By sharing this post, you might reach someone who feels as lost as I did four years ago. Someone who needs something to hold on to and the chance to believe that a new dream is possible.

Thank you for being part of our community. We wouldn’t be here without you.

If you want to receive updates from A Fresh Chapter, you can join us on Twitter, Facebook, or get posts delivered directly to your inbox. If you’ve experienced cancer and want you want to be part of one of our International or North American Odyssey Programs, make sure you’re signed up here to be the first to know about our upcoming programs: Become A Participant.