Joanne Messeri was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in February 2018 and was cancer free following surgery and chemo until December 2019.  She is now undergoing a second-line chemotherapy regimen. She has been married for 34 years and has two grown children. She is a presenter and co-facilitator of the Ovarian Cancer Research Alliance’s Survivors Teaching Students program in Northeast Ohio and a member of AFC’s 2019 Peru Odyssey Tribe.

41 years ago, my father lost his battle with lung cancer. I was there, alone with him in the hospital with my hand on his cheek as he gave his last breath. I initially reached for his hand, but it had already turned cold. Looking back, it is fitting that I brushed his cheek as he would when we were kids, as a sign of comfort, showing love, or for a job well done. My mom and sister had gone to see a friend’s baby in the hospital nursery and returned to dad’s room as he left the earth. It is poetic that they were celebrating a new life as he was leaving behind his life on earth.

That is a memory I have stuffed in my emotional suitcase. Buried deep underneath all the other baggage of regrets, hurt, lessons not fully learned, and fear of the future.  

It was during my recent experience with A Fresh Chapter (AFC) as part of the Peru 2019 Odyssey Program that I had the opportunity to reflect on what was in my emotional suitcase. During the two week program, our afternoon sessions were centered on working to reframe our own adversity following a cancer diagnosis. This included group sessions, with the wonderful, compassionate tribe of my fellow cancer survivor participants, and also time for independent reflection and gratitude. 

During this facilitated activity, I was encouraged to think deeply about what I carry around with me, both positive and negative. We then had a group discussion about our suitcases. My “tribe” had the opportunity to explore the contents of their suitcases and we each could weigh in on what was holding us back from making room for new experiences. 

I was reminded that my suitcase isn’t all doom and gloom, it also contains positive items as love, family, my home, and the outdoors. Those I will always keep room for!

I was very, very surprised that my father’s death was still stuffed in the bottom of my suitcase. I thought I had already dealt with the emotional stages of grief. But guess what, it was still lingering and came to light 41 years later, after my cancer diagnosis. Remembering those times after chemo dad would have the same side effects I was having, shuffled those memories a little closer to the top of my suitcase. 

Thanks to AFC, I can look in my suitcase and pick up those pieces of grief  – examine them, touch them with my memory and take the time to really feel them. Allowing the emotions of loss to come up and the anger that goes with it. I have learned to be okay with the conflicting emotions of love, loss, and anger. By bringing the emotions into the light, it takes away their hold on me, making the memories pure.

I still grieve the loss of my father, his not having the opportunity to meet my husband or my children (thankful my mother has enjoyed this journey with me.) I also grieve the fact that he never got to retire – he had grand plans to drive around the country exploring. The grief and anger do not hold me as they once did. I don’t have to use that armor I built that day in the hospital. I can let go, allow myself to feel, to express emotions, without the unspoken fear of losing it all, of having the rug pulled out from under me. I don’t need to compare my cancer journey to his. I am strong and happy. Now, that is truly moving on and moving forward in a positive way. 

I’ve learned from those items in my suitcase and embraced what the past has taught me. I no longer need to lug around the emotional baggage and can cherish my memories. I now have space in my suitcase for the positive things in life, for new experiences that add value – today and in the future.

It brings tears to my eyes as I write this, but I can hear him whispering in my ear …my daddy would be proud!