“I am so bloated and my neck is too big for my head.” I fake laughed as I looked at myself in the mirror. My best friend and roommate, who was combing her hair in the mirror next to me, ignored my self-deprecating comment and brought up another topic. We were grooming in the bathrooms in the ladies’ hostels where we resided as we chatted away. Class was about to start in a few minutes, but we were instead headed to the school hospital to get the swellings in my neck checked. 

I needed my friend to say something about my comment, seeing as everyone had something to say about my increasing weight. I was troubled by all the changes I was experiencing yet I couldn’t really get a clear diagnosis from the doctors. One minute they were talking of a simple goitre and the next, they were talking of a dysfunctional thyroid gland with harmless cysts surrounding it. The girl in the mirror had ashy and rough skin, black circles around her drooping eyes, very thin hair, a croaky voice and worst of all, she had put on so much weight. I had always had a very complicated relationship with my body since I was 16, and this new body made me resent myself so much. 

When disease starts invading your body, it breaks it down. The effect goes beyond the physical and starts becoming psychological. Any young woman in her third year at the university would want to excel in her social life as she also excels in her studies. But what if this is impaired by hospital trips, long hours in bed due to fatigue, an irritable mood at the slightest inconvenience, and general alienation from her friends? It becomes a disaster. I was this woman, and navigating all these changes took a toll on me. My therapist was trying her best in getting me to talk about my feelings, but it was a futile attempt. 

I imagined that smiling and showing positive energy all the time would make people blind to the physical changes they were seeing. I wanted to be called strong and inspiring, despite the feelings of hopelessness and sadness within me. I was not going to disappoint my people. When you think about it, toxic positivity is something that society pushes onto a struggling person. It took a lot of self-exploration to realize how harmful this was to me.

It was a 4 year struggle with these emotional and physical changes before I was finally diagnosed with cancer. In between, I learnt to express myself and embrace all that I was feeling and work on it with my friends, family and therapists. Practicing speaking up about what I was feeling and telling my loved ones exactly what was happening with me, rather than what I wanted them to hear or what would make me look stronger, was one of the first steps that I took at the beginning of my journey of emotional awareness.

There was a lot of breaking down because of all the unanswered what ifs, and I was also becoming my own person as a young adult. I dealt with this by avoiding the urge to always check my symptoms online, and listening to my body more, and being aware of what I was feeding on mentally and physically. To say that I am currently in the best emotional state would be a lie. I will always be a work in progress and while at it, the goal is to keep tabs on myself and be able to deal with all the negative feelings.

I decided to make my best friend my safe space. One of the most important things I learnt from her is that people would continue to notice and say things about the changes they were seeing about me, but not dwelling on what they said would save me my self esteem.

When I think about where I was mentally, where I have been and where I desire to be, I am reminded of the journey to the light at the end of the tunnel. It is like taking a trip using Google Maps towards that light. There will be rerouting, you will lose internet connection, your device will have a low battery and the light will keep flickering, but with a good support system and determination, you can get there. The time taken to make this trip does not matter, but your progress matters.

Ivasha Cyrilla is a trained nutritionist and a thyroid cancer survivor. She is driven in life by the belief that each of us is a work in progress and tomorrow may be better than today.