I was brought up to be a strong independent young man, as per Kenyan traditions. It’s common in most communities for men to never show any weakness or share their emotions. This is the way and the only way.

Back in the wee hours of my cancer diagnosis, I felt ready to share my story with everyone. I hadn’t really processed what I was going through, but I’d decided I would acknowledge it and move on swiftly. But after further thought, I realized I couldn’t do it. Showing weakness would render me not man enough, and I couldn’t have that. A man stays strong whether things are okay or not — which was my case after my diagnosis with a rare type of blood cancer, Chronic Myeloid Leukemia, commonly referred to as CML.

I never wanted to share my condition with my extended family, lest they view me as weak or inferior. I hate when people feel sorry for me, and this made it quite hard for me to share what I was going through. I kept to myself and even forbade those close to me to ever discuss my situation with those not privy to my health status. It was hard and stressful to keep all this to myself, and this overwhelming situation weighed me down.

This went on for a while, and soon, I realized that I was in denial. I could not fathom the fact that I was sick and weak. The idea of being the weakling of my peers and of my family did not line up with the story I had for myself. I was meant to be strong, and that’s what I would always be, as this is how I was trained to be. 

Amidst all this, I yearned to feel and act normal around everyone. This pushed me to start opening up to those close to me — even though I was afraid of being judged. One day, I approached a friend from my support group. It was one of my lowest moments, as I had almost lost hope in life. I had fear of my medication failing, and I didn’t know how to approach the situation. I was in dire need of a shoulder to lean on, and it had dawned on me that I couldn’t go on as I had done it before — I couldn’t do it alone. It was the perfect time to talk to him about what I was facing. He was really understanding, as if he knew what I was going through. I was shocked, as I didn’t imagine it could go like this.

I took this step because I wanted to feel and be true to self. And to do this, I realized I had to adapt and change a lot of things; even my lifestyle had to change.

I think it’s when facing adversity that our true meaning and purpose of life is forged. I was afraid of sharing what was happening to me due to cultural and personal constraints, but when the situation pushed me to the edge and left me with minimal options, for my own sake I had to. I seized a small window of opportunity and it was the best and only right step to take. Of course, I also had to be curious enough and self aware enough to realize that I had to grab this chance and change my situation. 

This was the genesis of many great things that I have experienced so far and continue to experience. I’ve now shared my story so many times in both my community and beyond, and every time I share, the impact is immense as I deliver a message of hope and resilience. My decision to embrace change has really impacted my life. Were it not for my decision to change, I wouldn’t have gotten this far, let alone found this platform of A Fresh Chapter, upon which I continue to experience my journey of change. I feel great to have come around, and touched and connected with so many beautiful people throughout my journey.

Tony Simiyu is a facilitator-in-training with AFC’s Kenya Ignite program and a 2020 Kenya Elevate Fellow. He is a survivor and advocate who is committed to inspiring others.