Grief. I seriously debated whether or not this was the time to delve into this theme. But, it seems absolutely necessary to honor the dark with the light as we approach the holidays. And while the holidays signal time together for so many of us, this time of year can also be a gut-wrenching reminder of those who are no longer with us. It can be agonizing to navigate these celebrations when deep grief has a seat at the table. I think one of the hardest parts is the shame associated with acknowledging it. As though our sadness, our longing is a dirty little secret we must sweep under the carpet. One can’t help but reflect during the holidays. Reflect on what was, what is and what will be. Reflect on celebrations of the past, present and future.  And let me be clear, when I speak of grief – I am inclusive in its definition. Meaning maybe the loss is someone you loved, maybe it is a life you once led or the person you once were. For so many of us – maybe it is the person you were before cancer – or the person you thought you’d become.

If you’re struggling with the shame of your sadness, check out “The Year of Magical Thinking,” by Joan Didion. This book is one of the most powerful meditations on grief that I have ever read. The book chronicles the year after Didion suddenly lost her husband. Her crushing, confusing loss permeates the writing. But what I felt more? The connectedness to others who know deep grief, who live with deep grief – no matter where each of us are in our grief. At one point Didion reflects, “Grief, when it comes, is nothing like we expect it to be.” Toward the end, she echoes: “Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it.” This book. It allowed me to shake the shame I felt about my sorrow and instead allowed me to embrace it as a part of me and a way to connect with others that have experienced true, deep, mind-numbing loss.

When I think of grief, of hope, of purpose – I can’t help but think of The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. I have read this book annually since my own terminal diagnosis. It breaks me and gives me hope. It IS living in contradiction. In these heart-breakingly beautiful pages, Pausch has left his children the ultimate legacy – his very last lecture before dying. But the lecture isn’t about dying – it’s about “Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams”. It’s about the importance of overcoming obstacles, enabling dreams, and seizing every moment. I am struck by the beauty and grace with which Pausch looks back on his life. There is no bitterness about leaving this world, leaving his young family; instead Pausch continues to seize every moment, leaving an honest and beautiful account of a life well-lived. The Last Lecture is a legacy of love. If the book sounds like more than you’re looking for – you can check out the lecture here.

And if a book is feeling too heavy to tackle during the holidays – check out the podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking with Nora McInerny. Nora is no stranger to grief; she lost both her husband and father to cancer after miscarrying a child – all within weeks of each other. The podcast asks real people how they are and then allows (encourages) them to answer honestly. The results are complicated and McInerny applauds the honesty – regardless of the societal norms of what is “okay” to talk about. Sometimes I end up in tears listening and sometimes I end up laughing. What keeps me coming back? The pure authenticity of the responses. The shameless honesty. Check out the podcast here.

Or check out McInerny’s famous TED Talk, “We Don’t Move On from Grief, We Move Forward with It”, here.

Stay tuned for next month’s post, which will feature brand new resources to explore.

Kate is a member of several AFC tribes. She is an avid reader who enjoys sharing exciting, new resources focusing on personal, professional and spiritual growth. Kate is a freelance writer residing in Northeast Wisconsin with her husband and three teenage children.