Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look. ~Pema Chodron

If you are anything like me, you learned early to sweep the most difficult contents of your life under a the rug – or at least under a plastered smile or a “can-do” positive attitude. And when self-help books and positive mantras don’t help to unlock the tension in your shoulder blades or settle the pit in your stomach – well there are always your good friends wine, Netflix, and Facebook.

Back in the summer of 2009, I could have won a contest for Canada’s Top Feeling Avoider. Heart-wrenching break-up? I would jam my calendar with work and social activities all while tweaking my online dating profile. Worried about my future? I would buy every self-help book on whatever topic ailed me and then take notes on how to put all of the suggestions into action.

Then cancer arrived and I found myself too weak to get off the couch and unable to focus on anything more than staring up at the ceiling. Fear, rage, sadness, and frustration arrived and held me captive in my 600 square foot apartment. On an afternoon escape to my psychologist’s office, I kept my face turned away and fiddled with the detail on her arm chair – on the off-chance she wouldn’t see the tears cascading off my cheeks or hear the desperation in my voice.

“I hate feeling this way. Can’t you tell me how to make it stop?” I asked. I didn’t want to feel this out of control. I wanted a solution; not a mess.

Dr. K reached out her hand, touched my knee, and said in a voice so soft it was like she was rocking me to sleep, “Terri, the only way out of this is through it.”

When I finally met her eyes, the kindness I saw tipped me over the edge. I fell apart. Cried until my contact lens were so blurry I couldn’t see. The next week, I came back and did it again.  I had to grieve what I’d lost in order to create space for a new vision of my life to form. The process was (and is) gruelling and I still don’t like it.

But, here is what I’ve learned. If you want to move forward in your life, you have to give yourself space to feel all of the emotions you would rather hide from. To feel the hurts. To own the fears. Those emotions and feelings are not you, but you have to give them space to pass through you. It is only when you’ve experienced those dark nights of the soul that you can wake up and feel as though you have set down the backpack of bricks chained to your back.

If you are reading this and it resonates on some level, but you have no idea where to begin, perhaps you could start with something simple. Below is a method I have found helpful when anxiety creeps in and I find myself booking every free moment of my time with work or social engagements. That frantic pace sometimes means I’m avoiding my feelings and justifying why now isn’t a good time to deal with them. It’s usually when we have the least amount of time that we most need to find some silence.

Maybe you want to give it a try this weekend? After all it’s January and what better month to grieve the old in order to make room for the new…

• Step 1: Find a pocket of silence where you can be alone. A long walk, a meditation class, a crackling fire, the rolling surf, whatever works for you… Get up early or stay up late if you have to, in order to have some solitude.
• Step 2: Sit for a couple of minutes, close your eyes, and pay attention to your chest rising and falling. If you begin feeling anxious and desperate for a drink, a cookie, or an episode of House of Cards, sit with that feeling and get curious about it instead of dismissing it. Ask yourself. What is it really about? What am I afraid to feel or see?
• Step 3: If sadness rises up in you and you are powerless to stop it, then give yourself permission to let it out. Let yourself have a cry of epic proportions (I mean EPIC proportions. Do the ugly cry, sob hysterically, stomp your feet). If instead of sadness, you find yourself lit up by rage, write a letter to the ex-friend, ex-lover, parent, boss, or health situation that has wronged you. Spill all of your anger and disappointment onto the page. Write things you can’t even imagine you’re capable of saying. Write it all down, put in an envelope and seal it. 
• Step 4: When your breathing finally steadies and you’re ready to come back to the world, find a place to burn your letter or mop up the moisture from your face. You’ll likely feel exhausted and depleted and might even hate me for suggesting this exercise. If things get really intense and you end up feeling paralyzed and overwhelmed by emotion, you are not alone. It might be a good indicator to start asking around for a recommended therapist or counsellor in your area. The right support person can help you heal and grow exponentially faster than if you tried to do it on your own. 
• Step 5: Be good to yourself. Find an activity that helps you feel comforted and distracted. Read a book, watch a movie, sip a cup of tea in bed. Congratulate yourself on showing up and doing the work and then make a plan to do something the next day or the next week that is fun and light-hearted and you know will fill you with joy. 

I have learned that life is both shadows and light. You will never “fix” yourself or unpack all of the baggage. But, when you learn to give the darkness an outlet, you build resilience and inner strength, while creating more room for joy in your life. By leaving space for both, you learn that no matter what happens, you can handle it.

Today I will leave you with another powerful Pema Chodron quote and a question. How do you navigate through the darker moments of your life? I’d love to hear your comments and suggestions below.

We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy. ~ Pema Chodron