When uncertainty is the “new normal”

Today I drove from my home to my doctors office in Los Angeles. I have been making this hour and a half drive for the last four years and four months. After my cancer diagnosis this became my norm, seeing him every two months in the beginning and then every three months which I thought was a milestone. Last year, my doctor was stumped by a spot he couldn’t identify, so a biopsy was scheduled. A pet scan and an MRI determined that the unidentifiable spot was scar tissue and not cancer. I was still cancer free. At this point, I could breathe a huge sigh of relief. So back to every three months, then a huge step again. I got an appointment to see him in six months. What?

Positively waiting

At first, I was thrilled. Six months. I must be doing well. But, then I was scared. Six months. What if my cancer comes back? What if it grows unchecked during that time? What if it shows up somewhere else, and no one knows it?  

During this six months I’ve had plenty of time to think about all of the what if’s, while trying to pretend everything is OK. I’m not worried. I’m not scared. I’m not thinking about not being here. But of course I am. I’m terrified. I keep telling myself to think positive. It will all be ok.

After waiting all that time, today is the day. Sitting in that hospital gown, waiting patiently for the doctor to come in, I’m nervous. When he comes in, he greets me. We begin going through the last year of appointments. The spot that wasn’t cancer, my continued good exams. Then, he says something that almost brings me to tears. “I see that we have almost reached your five years cancer-free mark. And, at that point, we can see you every year, if you want to come back.” What?

Accepting the highs and lows

I tell him it’s so funny that he says this, because I’ve been thinking about this five year point and wondering if it even really means anything. He proceeds to assure me that it is indeed important. If the cancer hasn’t returned by now, most likely it won’t return. He says cancer cells grow aggressively and they don’t sit dormant waiting to attack later. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I’ve been waiting to be ambushed again by cancer. I know I’m not totally in the clear. But what if I am? What if I don’t ever have to hear those three awful, horrible, life changing words again? You have cancer.

I change back into my clothes and stand looking out the window. From here, I can see the same view I’ve seen for almost five years. The Hollywood sign is on the hill in the distance and so is the Griffith Observitory. I’m sad, glad, scared, happy. I can’t catch my breath. I feel the opposite of how I felt when I got my diagnosis.  Will I see these two famous points of interest from this vantage point again? I have hope that I will not.

Walking out of that room, the receptionist hands me my paperwork and tells me to enjoy the holidays. I thank her and realize that for the first time in years I won’t see them for Christmas.

Remembering India

When I was in India volunteering with my Fresh Chapter tribe, I wanted to feel gratitude. At the time I never thought I would feel that emotion when it came to my cancer experience. It opened a door to people and incredible adventure I never would have had the opportunity to experience. Standing before the Taj Mahal at sunrise with my tribe members, I marveled at the immense, incredible beauty.

I volunteered in a school for children that had so little but were so happy and eager to learn. I taught them crafts and I still see their smiles holding their finished art work. Looking back at that once in a lifetime journey, I am filled with gratitude.

Diana Martinez is a member of the 2014 India Odyssey tribe. She is a self taught cake baker, who is 5 years and 5 months cancer free. Diana has been married for 14 years and has a granddaughter, Mia, who she adores. She says the best thing she has ever done in her life was go to India. “I loved every minute of it. My biggest wish is to find something that I am passionate about. Volunteering. Helping. Giving.”