Between “possibility” and “probability”

For much of my life, the gap between “possibility” and “probability” has felt insurmountable.

At 15, my body was shutting down by the hour. Doctors discovered an egg-sized tumor that was strangling the top of my spinal cord and rushed into action with emergency surgery. For the first of many times to come, I escaped death. Post-surgery, with cancer still lingering throughout my back, I was given a 40% chance of survival and endured a year-long stint of intensive chemotherapy and radiation.

At 18, they found cancer in my bone marrow. This time, the odds of survival were reduced to 10%. I slogged through a life-threatening bone marrow transplant and once again, sidestepped death.

At 19, cancer struck again—a tumor between my heart, lung, and spine. Maxed out on chemotherapy and radiation, I was given a 0% chance of survival and just weeks to live.

Facing death and life

Most wonder what they would do if death came knocking. Oddly, I have a pretty good sense of that. Rather than anxiously working through an extravagant bucket list, I focused my time on friends and family; additionally, I took up writing and artwork, aiming to create memories that could outlive me. Thankfully, I prepared for a death that never came. In what has been widely described as a medical miracle, with very minimal palliative treatment, the tumor stopped growing.

May 19^th will mark 15 years of remission. Despite being cancer-free, my body has accumulated considerable technical debt from the many surgeries, medicines, chemotherapy and radiation treatments. On a daily basis, this translates into extreme exhaustion and chronic pain. In 2014 at the age of 31, the impact was worse, however—I was diagnosed with a rare thoracic infection that cascaded into a series of near-fatal mechanical and infectious issues. Following four major thoracic surgeries, including the removal of my right lung, and three years of hardcore antibiotics, my body finally restabilized in June of 2017.

During the calmer years (i.e. the years lumped between cancer and the thoracic issues), I obtained a dual master’s in art therapy and counseling and am now a licensed therapist. Unfortunately, my daily struggles with exhaustion and chronic pain, coupled with intermittent bouts with death, make it difficult to maintain a full-time job.

Getting involved with A Fresh Chapter closed the gap of possibility and probability, reintroducing a sense of purpose into my life. In the midst of my 2014-2017 thoracic drama, A Fresh Chapter’s South African trip caught my eye. While unable to attend for medical reasons, I remained interested in combining international travel with advocacy work. At the same time, I wondered if resuming international travel would ever be a real possibility.

Waiting for A Fresh Chapter

In search of hope, I verbalized these concerns to one of my doctors. Rather than focusing on the probable negative outcome, he reassured me that when I got better, I would be able to once again pursue international travel.

In 2018, a year following my last major surgery, I reapplied and was accepted to attend A Fresh Chapter’s India trip. The experience blew me away. It was a unique blend of advocacy, art therapy, cancer survivor bonding, cultural immersion, sightseeing and self-discovery. The collective experience reminded me of what I have survived and how much I still have to give.

Post-India, I’ve directed my newfound energy towards helping children going through bereavement and hospice patients, along with resuming inspirational speaking.

With eyes on the future, I applied to A Fresh Chapter’s Global Emerging Leaders program in Kenya. I was selected and am ecstatic to be part of an eclectic leadership team that includes Kenyan cancer survivors, American cancer survivors, and Eli Lilly and Company employees. We are tasked with the first building block of a five-year initiative, which aims to touch a minimum of 32,000 Kenyans impacted by cancer.

The gap between possibility and probability has never felt so small.

Rachel Lozano was diagnosed with Askin’s Tumor cancer at the age of 15, 18 and 19.  She has degrees in interior design, art, psychology and a Masters in Art Therapy and Counseling.  She has been married to her husband, Gabe, for 11 years.  She was awarded Glamour magazine’s Woman of Your Year award in 2008.  She enjoys volunteering, advocating, traveling, making art, writing and inspiring others through speaking opportunities.