Have you ever felt afraid to say something out loud because you KNEW if your friends, co-workers, or even your significant other heard it, they would JUDGE you? Maybe in your weak moments, you debate trusting someone with the truth. But, as the words climb up your esophagus, you grind your teeth and stuff them back down to the tight pit at the base of your stomach.

You swallow your secret because you THINK if you allow the truth to surface, you will have to face your friend’s plastic smile; her awkward shifting in the seat; and her abrupt change of subject. You can’t handle the risk she will make a mental black mark against your name in her little book of who is worthy of her friendship, love, and attention. So, you choose to show her the person you wish you were instead of the messy, imperfect person you actually are.

Yes, I speak from experience. I have a little secret that I have tried to wrestle into submission; a secret I have wanted to cover up and pretend isn’t true (even to myself). But, given that every day of this 6-month Adventure of Hope forces me to blow past the boundaries of my comfort zone, I figure why not go big? Why not share my secret with all of you and walk right through the fear that every single one of you will judge me, stop reading A Fresh Chapter, or decide I’m a fraud.

So here it is…

People with mental and physical disabilities scare me. Being around them brings up a boatload of anxiety and awkwardness for me because I have no idea how I should interact with them.

There I said it. Please feel free to judge me.

As it turns out though – sometimes if you remain open – life will present you with the exact lesson you need to learn at the exact time you need to learn it.

When I arrived in New Delhi last weekend, my host organization, Cross-Cultural Solutions, got busy orienting the other new volunteers and I with the city, the culture, and our upcoming volunteer placements. We toured beautiful temples, practiced our basic Hindi skills, and got a crash course in the country’s challenges with illiteracy and malnutrition; the history of the British Invasion; and Gandhi’s overwhelmingly non-violent National Liberation Movement.

Feeling settled and confident, I couldn’t wait to get started with my placement at Mother Teresa’s Home for The Dying & The Destitute. Yes, I felt nervous, but after meeting Dr. Khanh in Vietnam and having a profound lesson in compassion and palliative care, I was ready for anything. I could sit with people who were dying and hold their hands, wipe their foreheads, or give them their medicine (yes, I had cast myself in the role of a modern day Florence Nightingale).

Then, I learned the truth. Mother Teresa’s home for the Dying and the Destitute is a bit of a misnomer. Instead, the Sisters of Charity provide food and care for the outcasts of society – people whose families have abandoned them (often because of their physical or mental disabilities).

Although I nodded my head and acted confident when I heard this little slice of information, I WAS TERRIFIED to go in for my first day.

Throughout my hour-long orientation, cold sweat leaked from my pores and I kept a steady eye on one of the benches, in case I needed to sit down and hang my head between my knees. I wanted to go back to sightseeing, learning Hindi, or really anything that would get me out of that moment. With hands jammed in my pockets, I acted as if the rocking and moaning; the missing limbs, and the occasional yelling and punching the air didn’t unnerve me. But internally, I questioned how I would make it through my 3 week placement.

That evening, a fellow volunteer and brand new friend asked about my day and I couldn’t help but confess my secret and my fears of failing miserably in my placement. Thankfully, she didn’t judge me. She simply said, “I understand. In my career in nursing, I have worked with a lot of disabled people and what always helps me is to look for their soul.”

Look for their soul. Such simple words, but so full of wisdom and insight. I could do that.

The next morning, after our drive through the congested streets of New Delhi, the driver pulled away and left me standing outside Mother Teresa’s. I climbed the steps into the cold corridor, inhaled the smell of fresh disinfectant, and turned past the open air courtyard and into a dimly lit room filled with 70-80 cots. My fellow volunteer (a veteran of 2 months at this placement) made her rounds; saying hello to her favourite patients by name, stopping to give a hug or squeeze a shoulder before she moved onto the next.

I scanned the room; shuffled my feet; and cleared my throat a few times. Finally, I moved towards one of the narrow cots and stopped beside a young girl of about 14 or 15. With her twisted feet wrapped under the thin wool blanket, she couldn’t move from the cot; but her eyes followed my every movement. As awkward as a pre-teen boy slow-dancing with a girl for the first time, I sat on the faded sheets of the bed beside hers and stretched a hand over to pat her arm. But, it felt all wrong, so I moved over to sit in the crescent of space between her chest and legs and rubbed her shoulder. The immediate light in her eyes spoke volumes and as her coffee brown eyes searched mine, I stopped seeing the tightly shorn hair, the awkward angle of her arm, or the drool on her shirt. Instead, I moved my hand to hold her cheek (as easily as if I was caressing the face of a child). The joy rising in her face flipped a switch in my heart and for a moment, I sat absolutely still – lost in a perfect soul to soul connection – and so grateful for the opportunity to be right there, in that moment with her.

I won’t lie and tell you I have become 100% comfortable in my placement since then, but it is getting easier and I am so grateful to Cross-Cultural Solutions and my fellow volunteers for supporting me through this comfort-zone stretching experience.

I am also grateful for the two important lessons I keep re-learning:

First, it’s ok to be vulnerable enough to share the darker sides of ourselves with others. As Dr. Brene Brown says in one of my favourite YouTube videos, “what makes us vulnerable also makes us beautiful”.

Second, if we are open to it, sometimes the universe delivers the exact lessons we need to learn, exactly when we need to learn them.

Namaste from New Delhi…